Work last night was okay. Nothing spectacular but I didn't go home broke either. I was able to mingle with some regulars, work out and potentially find clients for my business outside of stripping. I showed up for my shift ready to get on the floor and flirt. However, I found myself quite disconnected.
Generally I love my job. Getting compliments and money thrown at me, being sassy when someone is rude and the intimacy! I adore the intimacy. This is why last night was so difficult. I felt a giant barrier between myself and my clients. My conversations were short, my stage sets were almost planned using the same key moves I know work best, and my lap dances were dry. For the first time that I can remember my lap dances felt boring.
Adorable Nathan from the Midwest sat at my stage set then declined a dance when I met him on the lounge. He said the typical "maybe later, I need a few beers" line so I left him to go change. Moments later a fellow dancer and I encouraged a round of shots then we all went our separate ways. After what felt like hours Nathan began flirting with me from afar. Soon after that we got dances.
On our way to the VIP area I ask him if he had gotten someone money, an agreement we had made earlier. He said yes and paid upfront for the services. I began the set by getting close to him and scratching the back of his head. This move usually helps me indicate what this person is looking for. If their gaze goes straight to my tits they want it raunchy, head goes back and they want to be pleasured. If they stare directly into my eyes they want passion. Nathan, well I don't know what his first move was.
I glanced at his forehead instead of his eyes and noticed that he was sweating. This didn't surprise me as it seemed to be the theme of the night. As I was turning around to start grinding my ass on his very worn jeans Nathan exclaimed "Oh Penelope, you've done this before". Now, men will blurt out anything that pops in their mind when they're enjoying themselves in this manner. The respectful ones will filter through to the least aggressive comment and for Nathan that was a reflection of my time in the industry.
After almost five years I have probably performed thousands of lap dances for hundreds of people. Many people I remember. Many people come back to visit me again. That's what I thrive on, my intimacy with others. Learning all of their ticks and turn-ons and being able to read what they need and when. While dancing for Nathan I felt sloppy as if I had been drinking. I felt charmless and uninterested. I felt horrible.
While watching me on stage a few hours ago Nathan looked at my body and my eyes as if I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Somehow I was still unable to find my authentic self and allow him the intimacy he deserved. It's got my questioning a lot about myself. Is it time to take a break from dancing or is the lack of intimacy in my personal life transgressing into my work life?